While each day we are one day older, does it necessarily mean we are different today from whom we were yesterday? I’d like to think once I entered adulthood that I would remain indifferent. But am I the same person I’ve always been?
Do you ever close your eyes and wonder who you are? Do you look at your life as being very fragile, very vulnerable? Do you think about how you might stumble a lot in life, and that you know the next fall is sure to come any day now. Do you think about all you have to carry with you everywhere you go? And how you have had to build bridges that you never wanted.
The months up to my diagnosis and the years that came after, I learned that every single day I get to make a decision. Who am I going to wake up and become? Am I going to succeed or am I going to fail the second time? Am I going to let my success define me or let my failures defeat me? Will I keep falling? Will my run go slowly? Will I ever stop…
Every day I can start over, begin again. Today, I am an individual who just wants to be better. I have made mistakes, struggled to fit into societies expectation’s, and longed for a sense of purpose. I have fallen short and accomplished goals. There have been times where I have been so sure of myself and the decisions I have made and other times I have been very uncertain. Who I am and who I will become are opposite of each other and in between them lies discovery.
Life changes so fast that you don’t even have time to comprehend what just happened. That happens sometimes. You think you have it all figured out and everything changes. Life’s pain, especially, allows you to look inside yourself. That’s how the greatest pain also has a way of reminding you how things were before. But at the same time, you have learned to live your new life. In a way you never imagined it to be.
We all know that we are the way we are for a lot of different reasons. Maybe one day you will learn most of them, and maybe you will never know. Maybe you don’t like where you came from. That’s okay. Because what’s amazing is that you can still choose where you want to go from there. To be open to discovery means you need to uncover yourself. To truly understand who you are, and who your meant to be.
There was a time where I felt like I was waiting. Waiting for a better day, waiting for an opportunity to escape the life I had, waiting to be. I closed my eyes, knowing nothing was wrong, but nothing was right either. I was tired, tired of everything and tired of nothing at the same time. I had been waiting for someone to tell me it was going to be okay, but that day never came. So what did I discover that day? That I had to be strong for myself. That I can have what I want but I can’t ask it to be easy and simple. That even as I lay there, I was still fighting.
In conclusion, What I have found in all of this is that it’s okay to lose your balance sometimes. Just don’t lose to life. That nothing is promised and each small victory is a really big deal. That life is a bit messy, maybe complicated. Sometimes it slows down just when you need it to and sometimes the pieces fall into place when you least expect it to. My biggest discovery, perhaps the most important one, the one that changed everything for me. The discovery that I can begin again each and every day. That it is easier to accept failure than to accept not trying. That I am me and I am happy to be me, even with all my conflicts. They do not stand in my way, in fact, they push me harder.