I’m Sorry

I’m sorry it had to be this way. I’m sorry it wasn’t fair. I wish more than anything it could have been. I wish none of this happened to you because you didn’t deserve it. I know you had dreams and aspirations. I know you planned so many things. You can’t do any of it now. I’m so sorry. You deserved more than you ever got. You deserved more time, more life.

I’m sorry for all you have missed.

I’m sorry for the pain. I’m sorry for the tears. I’m sorry for all your fears. I’m sorry for the hate. I’m sorry for the sadness. I’m sorry for the darkness. I’m sorry this life broke you. I’m sorry for all the things you will never be able to recover from. I’m sorry I cant save you from what the world has created.

You have every reason to live and it gets taken away so fast. Nothing can save you. Not eating healthy, not going to church every Sunday, not doing well on your report card, not being raised with morals and respect. It can’t save you. You can love as hard as you want, scream as loud as you want…and it will not be enough to save you.

I’m sorry someone didn’t reach you. I’m sorry we failed you. Maybe things could have been different. I’m sorry you never got to finish your story. I’m sorry it ended in confusion. I’m sorry you could not make sense of it all.

I wish you could have told everyone what you were like. How much you felt. How your story was so simple and inspiring. I wish you could tell them how you existed. How much you lived.

I’m sorry for the things you will no longer have. I’m sorry there are no longer photographs you took, or love you never received. I’m sorry for every moment you never got. I’m sorry for the way you said goodbye. I’m sorry you will never find yourself again.

You will always live on. You live in other people, you live in their photographs, in their memories, and in their hearts.

And finally, I am sorry for you. I’m sorry nobody understands you. I’m sorry you are so mad. I’m sorry you don’t know how to feel. I’m sorry you feel so empty. I’m sorry you don’t know how to live. I’m sorry that you can’t escape this madness. I’m sorry for what remains.

~

Every once in a while you get hit hard. You can slowly feel yourself being pulled away by a beast inside of you that cannot stop shaking. You get taken to a place where you have nowhere to go. And suddenly you wonder, “Will it ever be okay?”.

Sometimes we get pushed to the edge and we fall for what feels like a hundred years. You think you might never get up again.

My words fail me tonight. I cannot understand what I am writing. I cannot possibly see through the eyes of Paris. For their eyes say more than I can ever explain or imagine.

If this has taught me anything it is this: The meaning of life should be to love and to give it back. Nothing else should matter in the world. Your heart is the best part of you. That is all you have. That is all that matters most.

As a kid I kept Paris in my dreams. Tonight I keep Paris in my heart.

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