Going Back in Time…

vintage_clock_by_yellowcandyfloss-d4vemniAs I write this, the world around me is completely quiet. I am only left with the silent beats of my own heart. I want to just go to bed and sleep all my thoughts off but my heart won’t allow me. It’s speaking to me so loudly tonight. I am the only one who will ever understand what it’s saying. Every word I write, it’s my own heart speaking. It always has been.

Do I wish I could go back in time? Yes. Absolutely. I think the older I get, the more I realize just how precious time is. When I think back, sometimes I wish time slowed down. Seven years ago I had a goal in my head. I had a starting line and a finish line and that was it. I wanted to see nothing else. Looking back there are moments I wish I could have back. Opportunities I wish I could have taken. Stories I could have learned. The hardest part is knowing I can’t. What’s done is done.

My heart wanders back in time, the memories awaken in my mind. In life they tell you that you should never look back, that you should always be looking forward. I’ve said it dozens of times. Perhaps I am reminding myself. I know that we have to live in the present. We have to live now. This moment contains all moments. My past created the path to my present. I can’t go back to that door. It’s closed for as long as I can remember. So why now? Why is my past haunting me now? I feel like I am so desperately beating on a wall, hoping it turns into a door.

I spent my years imagining this future. It kept me going. “Just let me survive long enough to finish this”. It’s all I wanted. It’s all I saw. I used the time I had to escape everything. It was a distraction. I thought I saw it so clear back then. But I was only trying to understand a blurred picture. I feel like I lost something so precious, something so simple.

The memories will always remain in my heart. Some, I barely know. They are getting blurry and distorted. I can feel it disappearing little by little. It will be nothing but perhaps a dream someday.

Every single moment lead you here.

I don’t wish to go back and fix my mistakes. I learned from them. I regret the time I never spent with the amazing individuals I met, or never getting to know the ones who I could have. I want to go back to appreciate the moments I had more. To laugh a little longer, smile a little harder, and speak a little softer. I wish I could have loved a little longer. Held on a little tighter, and listened a little harder. I can wish it every day. I can think about it every day but no matter how much I want it, I cannot go back in time. I can’t travel back. It’s the hardest thing to accept.

Time is a very misleading thing. All there ever is, is now. Here I am. Trapped in a moment.  

You will never look back on the moments you took. You will, however, look back on the moments you never had. The moments you could have made. Maybe because my past gave me so much and I didn’t take it. Maybe I want to go back and change what could have been. Maybe I want so badly what I left behind.

I feel like I am at war with time. The past is diminishing with every passing moment. I am struggling to keep it alive, to keep it clear. But I can’t fight what time does. It takes away moments I will never have again. Will this be another story that one day I won’t be able to tell anymore?

I sit here and think of all I have seen. All the summers that have come and gone. I think about how time will change me. I think about how the world will be and if it is something I will live to see. You see, there are still so many things I have never seen. There are also people I have met so long ago that I shall never know again. It breaks my heart.

Does dwelling on the past mean I don’t want to move forward in my life? Maybe. Learning to let go is something so hard for me. To release something is painful. But by holding onto the past I feel like I am holding back from a new life. But tell me, where am I supposed to go when all I want to do is go back? 

Time is priceless. You can’t buy it, you can’t keep it, and you can’t spend it. Once it’s gone, you can never get it back. I’ve known it all along.

I don’t want to think about all the things I didn’t do in my past. Writing this, I know I have been completely controlled by regret. I feel like I look at my past and think of everything I failed to be. “Get over it”, as everyone would say. I know. I should. I don’t want my life to be so defined by the past but I cannot just bury my yesterdays away.

The point is, I am always regretting the things I never got to do, the chances I never took. There is nothing I did that I regret. There are only moments I wish I took in my hand and held a littler tighter instead of letting go so easily. So love life, engage in it, and give it your all. Gosh damn give it all you’ve got. Life does not give you the past back. But it will give every moment you want, so many times over, right now. We only have today. All there ever is, is now. We can learn from our past but we can’t relive it.

If you could go back in time, would you? Would you sacrifice what is for what might be…

 

“There is something beautiful about the past, and about the way it haunts us. The way we pass through moments like walking through doors. The way we shut some out and the way we welcome some to stay. Our memories are ghosts, and they will always remind us of all the things we no longer have” – R.M. Drake

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