A Letter

I wanted to write you a letter; I hope you don’t mind. There is just so much on my mind and so much I want to tell you.

Before the hours turn into days and the days turn into months, and the months turn into years. I am standing alone looking out in the distance, knowing so much and so little at the same time. Is that even possible?

Is it even possible to feel so much, to have so much in you that your heart feels like it might explode out of your chest. So many things I can’t say and so much I try and hide.

Sometimes I feel like I am about to lose my mind. I wish I had the answers. I wish I didn’t have to see you cry every night. It hurts when I see you struggle. I cannot endure it anymore. I just want someone to bring you back. I want someone to give you your life back.

I have seen many like you before. Strong, but weak. The walls look strong but a tiny gust of wind could knock the whole thing down. One moment, it all shatters into pieces.

I understand your weakness. I am hanging on with you, trying to find a way to cope with everything. You are not alone. You never have been. I have always been here and I always will be.

You will never understand how long I have waited. For a better day, for someone to tell me that you are going to be okay. For someone to care. Instead, I am left walking through this fire and I have no choice. I can’t even imagine a life different than this one anymore.

Sometimes I fear I will forget how to smile or laugh. What if I cannot find beauty in life anymore? I search my memories, hoping that they will give me a clue. Hoping they will lead me where I need to go. What happens if I can’t find it?

We have never fit properly in any pattern.

Do any of us fit? Are we meant to fit? We were never given the guidelines and instructions of life. So we are left simply crashing our way through life, hoping against all odds that we avoid the chaos.

Sometimes it’s so quiet standing next to you. Then out of nowhere a train comes through and everything becomes loud. I can’t stop it, I can’t turn it around. It just passes through and it takes us off guard every time.

It rushes past us and I can hear you for a moment. Trapped in everything you ever wanted. It’s these unexpected moments where I finally see what is hiding behind the walls you have built. I can finally hear you. Screaming for a better day, screaming for your freedom.

And that’s the sad part about this life. That you never get to see what is behind those walls until they fall down. I’ve seen them fall too many times. It breaks me. Knowing that the silent nights we wish for will never be. That there is no hope of being whole again.

I will never let you abandon the person you used to be. Never. I have carried you with me for as long as I can remember. As long as I am here, you aren’t going anywhere because I will never let go. I will always carry you.

This letter is dedicated to anyone who wonders if I am writing about them.

I am.

 

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