Desperation

It was on this cold Sunday morning that I was deep in thought about my life and my purpose. I thought about everything that got me to this exact spot.

Let me start from the beginning…

When I was applying to universities, I wasn’t exactly sure what I wanted to do with the rest of my life. It is a big decision to make when you are only seventeen years old. How can the world expect a kid to know what they wanted to do? Sometimes you know exactly what you want to do at an early age – but I wasn’t that lucky.

At first, I wanted to do Journalism; I wanted to be a writer. But I knew the possibilities of me making a living by being a writer were just as impossible as being a celebrity.

I also didn’t believe you could learn arts. See, in business our textbook said that leaders were made, not born. I disagree with this completely. You cannot teach a painter how to paint, or a singer how to sing. The same goes for our leaders – they weren’t created, they were born to lead.

If there is one thing I strongly believe in, it’s that you are born what you are made to be – the world does not make you who you want to be. If that makes sense? So I didn’t want to go to classes for four years and spend all that money, listening to someone tell me how to be when I already knew everything I needed to know.

I didn’t believe that school could make me a better writer. I didn’t believe I needed that piece of paper to prove I was good. When in my heart, I knew I was born to do this.

So I went to the next best thing – business school. To me, it was the best choice because my time and money would be going towards learning something I had no background in. This was one of the best decisions I ever made in my life. It was such a diversified field and I learned so much, so much. And most of what I took with me did not even come from a textbook. I could write an entire book about all the things my instructors taught me.

I loved it so much I would do it all again.

After I graduated, I immediately started applying for jobs (and this was around the same time I wrote my first blog post about my experience of looking for a job). It was not easy, to say the least. I decided to live at home while I paid off my student loans, which were both a blessing and a curse. I am from a small town with very few opportunities so it was extremely hard to find a job when I had four places to apply to.

It was a couple of months of searching that my friend told me about an accounting firm that needed some help catching up.

Let me back track for a second – back when I was applying to universities and trying to figure out what career path to take, my mom felt very strong about me being an accountant. Now I know it’s common for parents to push you in a certain direction, most of the time it’s to be a doctor or a lawyer. But if my mom had her way, I would have majored in accounting and been an accountant.

In school – I absolutely hated accounting. It was boring as shit to me – and that’s me putting it in pretty words. I had to take two accounting classes for my degree. The first class I did not go to a single class – except to write my midterm and hand in my assignments. The second one I went to class, but found it absolutely torturous. After I finished those two classes, I praised Jesus I would never have to see the word accounting again.

But now, four years later, I was desperate. My student loans were accumulating interest I couldn’t afford and I needed a job. I applied in pure desperation, hoping I could just get through this job and look for others while I had at least a bit of income to pay off my loans.

So I applied for the accounting job and was hired almost right away. I stayed at that job for two years. I stayed there not because I enjoyed the job, which I actually didn’t mind to be honest, but I stayed because I made life long friendships with people I enjoyed seeing every single day. They were the reason I stayed so long. They were the reason I put my resume away.

After the first year at the firm, I felt something I did not like – comfort. I was comfortable and I wasn’t going anywhere. All the years I spent crying and wanting to quit in school, I was sure I wanted to spend my entire career taking risks because that’s what I fought for. I fought for the right to take risks in my life. I fought to be stronger.

So I decided to look for jobs in other cities – not really caring where I ended up. I was applying for jobs for a couple of months on and off. But it wasn’t getting anywhere. I was applying for careers I had no experience in but wanted to pursue. Marketing, international business, financial analysis, and even writing.

I will never forget this day – it was my birthday. I had the day off work and I saw a job posting in the city I wanted to relocate to. I had all the qualifications and again, it was for an accounting firm. And for the second time in my life – desperation kicked in.

I wanted to leave the small town I grew up in, I wanted to experience life before it was too late. And again, it was going to cost me.

So this Sunday morning, this is what I was thinking. How I was here due to my desperation for something more.

We all do this in all kinds of ways. Sometimes we stay in relationships because we are desperate to be loved, but know deep down the relationship we are in is nothing close to what we could have.

Same thing goes for careers, same thing goes for life.

I can feel my heart all the time; it’s a strong little thing that I wish sometimes didn’t speak so loudly to me. But it’s there for a reason. Desperation has been guiding me down my path for half a decade, not my heart or my soul.

I cannot spend my entire life living this way. I cannot look back and think what the hell have I done.

I don’t want my heart to hurt in the end. And it’s not too late; it’s never too late.

Desperation did teach me a few things. I learned to work harder in order to make things better. That’s about the only positive I have taken.

But now it’s time to truly find something meaningful, something fulfilling. It’s time to look past the pain and difficulty and know that only good can come from this.

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One thought on “Desperation

  1. Did you get the second accounting job and get out of the town where you lived? You are absolutely brilliant to pass accounting when you never went to a single class! i wouldn’t have lasted five minutes. Anyway, sometimes learning what you don’t like helps you find what you do like.

    At 83, I’ve just published a memoir. I used to scribble away, but.never started writing until I retired —couldn’t afford to. Also I never had the confidence, so I had jobs I didn’t like. In one job as a typist, I started correcting poorly written technical documents and gained confidence when got compliments. But back in those days it was hard to get promoted. When I retired I had to unlearn all the business jargon and use my brain.

    Like

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