There are many promises I have made throughout my life. Many, I could not keep. Not by choice. Some I have broke so hard that I wasn’t sure if I would ever heal from the impact.
The hardest promises to let go of are the ones I had for myself. The promise of a new adventure, a new journey… a new life. I wish my body would understand what my heart was saying. I wish they spoke the same language. I don’t know if my body even hears anything anymore. It has not given up, no. Not even close. But the promises of what once were, are gone.
It is hard to accept, hard to understand. We make promises all our lives. So what happens when the life you’ve been given doesn’t come with any promises?
How do I explain this to someone? How can I tell someone what I feel when I am the only one who feels the full impact of what this disease has put me through? You give it everything you can. You go to all your doctor appointments, you let them poke you, pierce you, and test every inch of your body. You give it your all, and still, it is never enough.
Desperation kicks in pretty quickly. We go looking for a cure but at the same time the feelings of sorrow and loneliness start to sink in. They cut so deep that it’s all you ever feel. It becomes the only truth you know. It is sad, it’s terribly sad. When your heart and soul is crying; there’s no way your body doesn’t hear it.
I can’t keep my promise that it will get easier, or that I will stay strong through it all. I can’t promise what I will feel tomorrow or that you’re heart won’t be broken. I can’t give you a simple “yes” or “no” anymore. They have been replaced with the words “maybe” and “perhaps”. But I promise you, every door that has closed on me, every path that has become blurred – I will seek out. One day, the path will show itself and a door will open. It’s not impossible to hope forever.
So with everything said and done, this is my offer to you. Look beyond the scars, and look at me. When everything is against you and you are on the verge of giving up, knowing you can’t possibly do what you have set out to do – you can. When you have reached the end of the road, thinking this is it. There is nothing more. There is always more. When you are out there searching for something, a tiny fragment of hope, stained in the stars, it’s always there. Something is always there.
I hope you take my words and engrain them into your heart. I hope you never lose them. I promise you, with every defeat, every poke and pinch, every strike of pain, every doubt, every weakness – it is all worth it.
So now make me a promise. Promise me you will wake up every morning and think of what I have told you. Promise me that every day you will get stronger and that one day, maybe years from now, you will finally believe me.