What We Leave Behind

There are so many feelings but no words. I don’t want to explain it. I want to run away from it and never have to feel this again. My life is always screaming at me. It’s so loud that sometimes I can’t hear anything else. There is always something I need to understand. Something I need to hear. Sometimes, I don’t want to. I don’t want to know. So I closed my eyes to the world.

I left everything I once loved behind because it was the only thing I could do. It broke me.

I wish I had the answers. I wish I had a million reasons. But I don’t. I only have one. No matter what, that is just the way it is. There is no point in wondering.

You weren’t supposed to find me. You weren’t supposed to knock right into me. When I saw you for the first time, you’re eyes were completely closed. But somehow you saw me as clearly as anyone else. Is that even possible? At first I was afraid of you. I was afraid to let you in, to let you see. I wasn’t brave enough to remove the blindfold that you had on. But when I did…

I got lost in everything you were.

I had seen something like this before. I looked at you and knew so clearly. I had never imagined anything like this in my entire life. Say something. Anything. I know what you are thinking. I can hear it. You want to understand me. You think you can save me. You think you can put me back together again.

You don’t know me.

Who I am, is someone I will never be able to put into words. If I were to let you hold me in your hands, I would be heavy. I would have sharp edges, I’d rattle, and the longer you held me, the heavier I would get. That’s why. Please know. I would never want you to carry such heaviness. And so I have decided, you never will.

I don’t want you to be sad. I want what’s best for you. I want to help you realize what kind of life you can have. Yes there are terrible things in this life, but there is so much beauty too. I want you to see the beauty. I don’t want to break your heart. I’d never heal. So please understand, there is no happy ending here. I’ve always known.

I want nothing more than to run away with you. It wouldn’t even matter where we went. But I can’t run from myself. I could never run away from this pain. No matter how loudly you screamed, no matter how tightly you held me… everything would destroy you.

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