I went for a walk this morning, much too early for my liking. Thinking too much of too many things. Wishing someone could show me the way. Wishing someone could show me who I am.
Who I need to be, what I need to do… It’s such a great purpose to pursue. A purpose much greater than myself. I fear that just like the fog this morning, I too will vanish. That the water in the air will drown me. That the light will never find my face again.
There is still such a large volume of things that I want. Things that I might never have. Sometimes, I am overcome with envy when I look at life. The things I can never do again, the things I will never have, the things that haunt me. I stare into a puddle of water. I look at the eyes that stare back at me; the eyes that are mine. I am staring at the reflection of my own soul. Still feeling half asleep, I think of all the things that I want, that I have in my dreams.
So many dreams but no way of figuring out how to make it real.
Am I lost? How can I be lost when I have nowhere to go? Being lost means you have somewhere to go. Sometimes I feel like I am tied down, bound by a force that will never let me go. I’ve been held for so long that I have forgotten what it ever felt like to be free. What will happen to me when I can no longer carry the weight of this all?
Life may have taken so much from me but it will never take away my passion, my belief in life. I am the only one that can surrender that. I will continue to be brave, to be bold. Most importantly, I will continue to believe in myself. No matter how many moments I have missed and how many failures I have endured. Despite of it all, I believe in something more. I wouldn’t have made it this far if I didn’t.
So how do you know what you’re supposed to do? You know. Don’t let the voices of others drown out your own. You will see it and one day you will understand why you are fighting so hard. One day, it will come.
You have your heart and soul. Go out and find your laughter, your growth, your love, and your future. Find something.