I wish that it could be different…

I spent a lifetime building a wall around myself.
I didn’t want to be found,
I didn’t want to be heard.

I wanted to go through this life unnoticed.

I didn’t want you to hear everything I was feeling,
I didn’t want you to see everything I was trying to shelter you from.

But you were drawn in regardless.
And that’s how you found me.

You heard me, when I had no words.

You did not want me to carry this alone.
You did not want to run away.
You wanted to stay with me; you wanted it to be this way.

But it couldn’t be like that.
You couldn’t fix me; you couldn’t save me.

My flaws were more than yours.

The first time I looked into your eyes, I felt every piece of me heal.
I felt the pain I had been carrying with me, lift.
Everything that once weighed me down was being taken away.

I never wanted to look away; I never wanted to be away from you.
You made me feel safe.

My mind and heart will always battle over you.

I cannot fight what I feel, but I cannot ignore everything I have seen and been through.
I cannot ignore the uneven path ahead of me that is my life.

The only choice I have ever had is to keep going.

So right now, my mind wins. As it usually does.

I will never show you what my heart feels,
I will never let you feel the force inside me that will never stop loving you.

Every feeling I have for you is hiding behind my eyes.

I hope you can’t see how badly I want to be next to you,

How badly I wish it were different.

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