Everything I used to know, is now everything I no longer understand.

You live and survive.

And you dream of everything you have never had.

You build memories your entire life. Every single moment, is a memory.

Some memories come and go, without another thought.

Some memories live with you forever.

And some, can never be relived again.

I wish I could understand.

Sometimes memories turn into dreams. Where it has been so long that you are unsure whether what you see, even ever existed.

“It was just a dream”, you tell yourself.

In my dreams, it’s so different. But they start to fade. It all starts to fade now.

Every memory I made, is fading. I worry when I am old that I will forget your face, that I will forget your voice.

I worry I will forget who you once were.

Tonight, as I write these words, I have lost someone dear to my heart. Everything is silent. I cannot hear my heart, I cannot find my thoughts.

I feel too strongly, I feel too much. It’s a quality I wish I didn’t have. The tears that burn my eyes, the light that I can no longer find.

When I have nothing left but memories and agony.

So I am left dreaming. Dreaming and hoping that wherever you are, that you are happy. That the pain has subsided.

Those will be the memories I keep. The ones of you when you were most happy, when you were most yourself.

I wish I could understand.

These are the most important things we have in life. Our memories, and our dreams.

There is so much I can’t say, feelings I cant put into words.

It’s just not fair sometimes.

It hurts to see people struggle; it hurts to see people hurt.

I dream of something so different than what I remember. Can I change what I remember?

Can you come back? …. I know the answer before I even finish typing the words.

I hope I never forget. The impact people have had on me. I hope I never lose that.

I hope they always find me, because now that I no longer can make memories, I will always have dreams.

And dreams, are always there.

 

~ Written in June 2017