[Written April 2016]
Yesterday was a really bad day. I had no energy and not even an ounce of strength left in me. When I want to explain to people what this disease feels like I tell them… Let’s say you are going for a 7km run. The beginning is all great and you feel full of energy and your feet are as light as a feather. By the time you get to the last KM your legs are probably burning, you want to collapse, and you are ready to be done. I feel like I am constantly on that last 7km run. Except, I never reach the end. Yesterday felt like I was on a 50km run. It was like my body was no longer mine. It felt defeated, weak, and completely done. Yesterday, I got a taste of what giving up felt like.
I chose this road. I chose to do this. I chose to go down the hard route instead of settling for comfort and stability. And yet, there are days where I question what I have done. I question whether I need to stop fighting this battle. I question whether it’s time to just let it all go and settle with what I have been given.
I knew a day like this would come. Where I would have to accept what I didn’t want to. That this body was no longer mine and I was going to have to let everything go. I laid in bed last night, thinking to myself, “Can I just feel normal again? Can I just go back to being normal?”. It’s a question I have pleaded many times before.
I want to believe that I will always be running that first KM. That I will always have the strength. But I know now in this moment, more than ever before, that that is not true.
Life has become heavy and it is time to just let go.
My life was always on the go before. I did so much, experienced so much, and lived so much. Now I feel myself fading and there is nothing I can do. It’s hard to accept the things I can no longer do, accept the pain my body is putting me through, and endure it all while trying to live a decent life.
Yesterday I stopped picking up the pieces of my shattered being. I could not carry the pieces any longer. They grew heavy in my hands and all I could do was leave it behind.
Leave the possibility of ever putting myself back together again.
Maybe one day someone will find the pieces and it will inspire them to be more, to become more. I could not do it for myself so my only hope is that if not I, then maybe you. If I cannot go on, then promise me you will go on for me.