Chapter 29

This journey has been a long one.
I have enjoyed so many moments along the way,
But I have also lost count of the number of times I’ve wanted to go back.

I am writing these words a week before my 29th birthday and with so much to say on this past year, I will try and keep it simple.

Despite the weight of everything I continue to carry,
For the first time in a very long time, I feel light.

I feel like this past year I have really learned to stop being so angry and sad.

I have been so focused on what has happened to me that I have ignored what my heart has been telling me from the beginning.

But I am listening now.

The years have made my heart beat stronger,
If you stand close to me, I know you will hear it.
I know you will hear it cry for everything it has lost,
But you will also hear it sing,
For everything it still has.

I have learned to love myself more and more each day and I have learned to accept what is as if I have chosen it.

This is me. 29 chapters and counting. I am not who I once was, but I have accepted this new me. I have watched my life change dramatically but have been strong enough to start again.

I know the weight of this life of mine. I know the violence and chaos screaming inside of me. I know it is something I will have to carry with me forever.

But I also know my strength. And I know the older I get, the more I have.

For 29 years,
I have refused to give up.

There has always been a light; I have always seen it in the distance.
And it has never allowed me to whither away.
Every year, it has allowed me to grow instead.

I would not be who I am today without this unbelievable journey of mine.
And although I would not wish it upon anyone,
It is a beautiful story.

I am a fire that cannot be put out,
And there is a strength within me that I cannot explain.
I have lost so much,
And no matter how nicely I ask,
I will never have it back.

But I will continue to go on.
I will continue to live.

Because underneath all this pain,
I have found happiness.

My words are filled with love, with honesty.
I hope when you hear me, when you see me,
You will know.

I may not understand, but one day I will.

One day, it will become clear and I will know why it had to be this way.

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